Bullet Train Banter

Today I woke up really early to catch the bullet train to Shanghai. Apparently my train is called harmony.

I lied there’s no banter on the bullet train. So this seems like a good time to write about some novelties I’ve observed in China.

Firstly fireworks. Fucking fireworks. I hate to bring this up again but Jesus Christ! I see fireworks as a rare treat to mark a special occasion. Well, I used to.

The Chinese set of fireworks on their wedding day to scare away ghosts. That’s all well and good, but I live in an extremely densely populated area. This means that fireworks are being let off constantly. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been woken up now. I’d like to say I’m getting used to it, but no I still shit myself every time.

Water mellon fanta! Enough said.

In Europe we all have an extremely important decision to make every time we go to put on a backpack.

One strap or two?

Well in China there’s another option in the mix.

One strap, two straps, do I wear this thing on my front or back?

I’ve seen quite a few people wearing their coats the wrong way round too. I must try it sometime. Maybe we are the ones wearing our coats wrong!

SPICY FOOD! Fuck! I quite like spicy food, but this is on another level. One night I was in a bar, and a girl called me over and asked if I like spicy food. Stupidly I said yes. She gave me some lotus root. Just moments later, tears were streaming down my face, and I was downing my beer in a failing attempt to put out the fire in my mouth.

I have since learnt the term for not spicy. Although maybe it means ‘less spicy’ as food is still hot!

Ok I’m now about halfway to Shanghai, I’ll bust out a few more paragraphs of ramble.

When people find out that I can’t speak chinese, it doesn’t stop them talking to me! I know how to say ‘no Chinese’ and ‘I don’t understand’, but this has no effect. So I spend a lot of time with people talking at me, with no idea what their on about.

Nightclub’s here are amazing! But that’s a whole other post.

I’ve noticed that cars that are sold as Peugeot in Europe are sold as Citeron (spelling?) here. I thought that was quite strange. Then I learnt that Peugeot means bitch in Chinese.

What do you drive?
I drive a bitch.

KFC is awesome here. Again that’s a post in itself.

Before moving here I was under the impression that all Chinese people were lactose intolerant. I was quite wrong.

When you order an ice cream, before they give it to you they hold it upside down. They then glance at you expecting a look of amazement in your eyes. They looked at me and were met with a look of ‘what the fuck are you doing, give me my ice cream’.

In other dairy news, I picked up a block of mature Irish cheddar. I cannot express my joy enough through the medium of words.

The train just had a power cut. We were still traveling at like 200mph! Lol

It’s all good again now.

The roads.

As a pedestrian, China is a pretty scary experience. But it isn’t until you get in a taxi, do you get to experience the lunacy in its full glory. Weaving in and out of lanes, undertaking, overtaking, either side of the road is grand. Traffic lights as optional as seat belts. Horn more important than the brake pedal. And speed limits… Pfft speed limits. Fucking insanity!

Ok looks like I’m approaching my station. Later folks!


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